Domestic abuse allegations highlight wider issues for society

There is, on occasion, something unsavoury in human nature when we stare at the misfortune of our neighbours when we really shouldn’t. However, this is not one of those occasions; sad and uncomfortable as it may seem, the issues raised are important for society.

So, writing about the Gallagher family story may seem an intrusion but it is in a wider public interest. We need to talk about those issues.

We are constrained legally by what we can say; rightly so because we often see where social media’s open season on gossip and uninformed speculation helps nobody. But while one should stress that none of us knows all the details of the Gallagher family’s difficulties, what we have read of the various participants has been sufficient to open up a really important, if difficult, discussion.

These include society’s continuing 'dirty secret' of domestic violence, how 'the system' handles—or fails to handle -- difficult cases, how organisations such as the GAA (and many others) struggle to show leadership.

On a personal level, it cannot have been easy for Nicola Gallagher to go public with her post last week outlining her disturbing allegations against her husband. In her interview with Rodney Edwards in The Sunday Independent she reveals the anguish she went through before she hit send and made her narrative public.

She laid bare her private and personal issues. How her despair drove her to use alcohol and how she had suicidal thoughts, and how she no longer sees her own three children.

I cannot imagine she would have done so lightly. She will have wondered if anyone would have supported her. She knew some would judge her and make assumptions even though they knew nothing about her. She knew there would be a focus on her alcohol use, her role as a mother and her character from people who would jump to unfair conclusions.

But she courageously went ahead and deserves to be listened to. It’s often a great fear for many other women in such a lonely place that nobody will listen.

That is why there has been such a response from other women.

In response, Rory issued a statement through a solicitor and didn’t directly deny the allegations, saying that they had been dealt with by the relevant authorities. He also pointed out that he had the couple’s three children, thus publicly revealing the decision of a family court.

By Friday, Rory had stepped aside from his position as Derry manager ahead of the Ulster final, citing “a desire to protect my children from the ongoing turmoil".

Please do not judge either Rory or Nicola as parents. A parent’s love for their child never dies and I have no doubt that whatever faults lie on either side here, they both love their children. In fact, I would say that the thing that will cause them both the most anguish is the effect all this has on the children.

So, we should not dare to judge them as parents.

Aside from their personal circumstances, this story has again pulled back the curtain on the issue of domestic violence which is a scourge on a society which still generally treats women so badly.

We read of high-profile cases of the murder of women and the awful statistics of domestic abuse; but behind those figures are stories of the painful experiences of vulnerable women helped day and daily by organisations such as Women’s Aid.

We often think of domestic violence as physical abuse, which it is. But the manipulation of partners and coercive control are now a sinister prevalence in the abuse of people’s emotional wellbeing. Parental alienation is also a phenomenon which is not well enough recognised.

And before anyone accuses me of ignoring domestic violence perpetrated on men, I do acknowledge that. But the vast majority of victims are women in a society that, even in 2023, is misogynistic and even sometimes toxic towards women.

It is a blot on society and society needs to change radically in tackling something deep in our culture. Words are not enough.

The silence about domestic violence is deafening, bearing in mind that silence is the perpetrator’s friend.

No one doubts this whole issue is difficult, but many lessons need to be learned. Not least by organisations such as the GAA which, in my opinion, has been found wanting this week.

Apart from a brief general statement condemning domestic violence, the Derry County Board was virtually silent last week; and then suggested that they hadn’t received emails of complaint from Nicola’s family.

Have they considered an investigation into these matters? Or reaching out to her family to find out more? Or something proactive which would suggest they’re taking all this seriously.

The Fermanagh County Board statement also seemed to be dancing on the head of a pin when they first said they had no “official complaints” and then changed to no complaints verbal or written “to our knowledge".

I’m a big admirer of the GAA as an organisation for their community involvement and volunteering spirit, for their work with young people and, yes, the role played by women in the Association.

This apparent circling of wagons at the top doesn’t do all the very good people any favours, does it?

The GAA is not alone in this. How many others countrywide, official or not, put the corporate image of their organisation ahead of being more caring, open and transparent. And fail in the process with disastrous PR.

This week, the Gallagher story moved on a little with the resignation as Derry manager of Rory Gallagher. It appears to be the end of his GAA career, and who knows how or where Nicola and Rory Gallagher will go from here. They will both need incredible levels of support.

We should wish them, and their children, well.

And no doubt we will move on from our attention on them. That’s just the way it is unfortunately. We most definitely should not, however, move on from the issues that have been raised and the lessons that we as a society should learn.

Support is available at Fermanagh Women’s Aid by calling 028 66328898 or at their website fermanaghwomensaid.org