Anne Mare McAleese: Light shimmers and dances on Lough Erne

It really was love at first sight from the moment I set foot in the most westerly part of the United Kingdom.

On any given day, the light shimmers and dances on the beautiful bluey-grey waters of Lough Erne in an unforgettable way.

The locals claim the lough has an island for every day of the year, and in the course of three decades’ worth of visits, I’m inclined to think they’re right.

For this visit, several years ago, the focus was less to do with islands and more with fairways, greens, and a game that I’ve been trying to master since I was knee-high to a heron like Harry at the Broadmeadow in Enniskillen.

A round of golf on the award-winning Faldo course beckoned with both a professional golfer and a comedy legend who’s handy with a 7-wood as well as a punchline.

The Lough Erne Golf Resort can unashamedly boast a spectacular setting. It occupies a 600-acre peninsula between Lower Lough Erne and Castle Hume, which means that water comes into play on most holes.

In a first for Northern Ireland, the 39th G8 summit was held here in 2013. Prime Minister David Cameron swam in the lough, but he didn’t play golf.

Had he done so, Head Professional at the time, Lynn McCool, would have been on hand to give him some tips on how to improve his game.

On this autumnal morning, one of Ulster’s best-known comedians and me had her to ourselves.

William Caulfield has been making people laugh since he was a young boy. On Sunday evenings after church, people would come back to the family home in Lurgan, and his father would encourage the youngster to tell a few jokes to the assembled company.

Blessed with the gift of the gab, William enjoyed a successful career as a car salesman before the irresistible lure of the bright lights convinced him to become a full-time entertainer.

A slot on the George Jones Show on BBC Radio Ulster brought his inimitable talent to a wider audience, and before long he was in demand at gigs across the United Kingdom, America, Australia and throughout Europe.

For our outing, the weather was a joke that none of us found funny: teeming rain with a stubborn feel, and splashing drops the size of golf ball markers.

It didn’t bode well. For me, playing golf in a raincoat adds another layer of risk, so I disrobed on the approach to the first tee and decided to be an optimist, all the while knowing that I would undoubtedly get very wet.

The opening hole on the Faldo course is dramatic. A slim, catwalk-style fairway with an audience of reed bays on the right swaying gently and keeping time with the taller, nonchalant trees on the left-hand side of the 367-yard par 4.

There is also sand and, for my money, the extra-large bunker at the back of the well-manicured green could double as a beach, should the sun decide to make an appearance.

Realising that we were in the presence of golfing excellence, William and I were suitably nervous.

The professional stepped onto the tee. White tee, white ball, white glove and a white driver with a head the size of a small rugby ball – this golfer and the club meant business.

A perfect drive split the fairway and whished past the trees that have seen it all before.

We doubt whether even Niall McShea, Fermanagh’s first ever Production World Rally Champion, could have kept up with that ball, which eventually came to a halt no more than 60 yards from the green.

Professional golfers have an elegance and confidence that comes from hours of practice combined with a healthy dose of natural talent.

The two amateurs in attendance had neither, and begin to say silent prayers in the hope of avoiding an embarrassing ‘plop’ sound, or the sharp crack of a branch.

I decided that ‘Big Bertha’ was the woman for the job. A present from my golf-mad Uncle Nino, I like to think that she too is Italian, and prayed that she would perform like a seasoned opera singer, pleasing the small but appreciative gallery.

In fairness, by today’s standards, her moniker is deceptive, but she didn’t let me down and I could breathe again whilst deflecting my silent petitions for help in Mr. Caulfield’s direction.

Despite the heavenly invocations, his go-to favourite 7-wood shot found a watery resting place for a gleaming white ball that will never be seen again.

Naturally, the water and the hole is in the wrong place entirely. Had the layout been better, the shot, of course, was perfect.

William and I agreed that Sir Nick Faldo really should have known better.

Having composed himself, William took comfort from his approach shot, which gracefully flopped down onto the sizable green only eight feet from the pin, and then obligingly agreed to drop into the hole with only one touch of the putter.

It was a moment to relish, and one which also momentarily took William’s mind off whether it was his wet or dry trousers that were falling down. I tried not to think of either.

In a glittering career, Nick Faldo won six major tournaments, and there is no doubt that his course at Lough Erne is a challenge for both professional and amateur golfers.

Rory McIlroy is said to particularly favour the long par 5, 15th hole, and for Lynn, the course itself was the reason she decided to stay in Ireland.

Formerly Head Professional at the prestigious K Club in Straffan, County Kildare, she arrived only three months before the 36th Ryder Cup was held there in 2006.

It was the first time the event was played in Ireland, and Europe recorded a historic win on the Palmer course, beating the Americans by 18.5 to 9.5 points.

Golfing legend Arnold Palmer was in attendance, and was keen that this young club professional make a move to the States.

Golfers at the Lough Erne Resort were grateful that she didn’t accept the offer.

By the 1980s at her home club in Strabane, Lynn’s star was shining brightly, and the golfing prodigy secured a prestigious scholarship to the University of Hawaii in Manoa.

She delighted in the golfing battles that ensued with Annika Sorenstam on the US college circuit and a year on the Ladies European Tour in advance of becoming a qualified PGA professional.

A chance meeting with Arnold Palmer at a trade show in Orlando resulted in a firm friendship, rekindled years later in what she considers a career highlight when he invited her to play at his course in Bay Hill, Florida.

On a day when the quality of golf was leaving us in need of a reason to smile, it was helpful to have a comedian on hand.

William is never stuck for a shaggy dog story, and in a gallant effort to outdo Lynn’s glittering reports of golfing royalty and presidential chats with Barack Obama at the G8 summit, he regaled us with a tale of two American presidents.

In a yarn that somehow weaved in both Senior and Junior President Bush, it offered questionable advice on how to knock a golf ball over the trees on an American golf course, and an equally dubious punchline that left us giggling but suspicious.

Lynn reminded William that Padraig Harrington also found a watery grave for his ball in Lough Erne on the 1st hole when he played with Rory McIlroy, but advised that, as in life, it’s not always how you start, but how you finish.

The comedian among us was also prone to break into song, and decided that the distance between holes was a good opportunity for a rendition of ‘Sally in our Alley’.

He observed wryly that on most of the holes, in the absence of a bus or a taxi, if you’re a smoker there’s also time for at least five cigarettes between green and tee.

Golf courses can play tricks on the mind.

The 6th tee was a high point, literally and metaphorically. It offered a proper introduction to this sensational stretch of lough Erne that dominates the landscape as far as the eye can see, speckled only with sandy bunkers that, in truth, could be mistaken for small strands.

Even on a good day, for mere mortals Collop Rise is a monster 460-yard par 5 with stunning views of the Donegal and Derry Mountains.

William decided that rather than crooning in honour of Sally from an as yet unidentified alley, we should choreograph a ‘Stop The Rain’ dance, using reverse psychology on the weather gods.

I reached once more for Big Bertha whilst trying to block out the running commentary about my set-up style, and mentions of wiggles and waggles that surely contravened etiquette in a normal round of golf.

The rain’s mood seemed to have mellowed slightly though the soft mizzle that settled in for the day.

The optimism en route to a golf course, and the actual quality of the day’s play, can be a curious love-hate relationship capable of mystifying and frustrating golfers in equal measure.

Inclement conditions can occasionally result in a less-thinking and more just-hit-it approach, and this became my strategy for the remainder of the round.

At this point, the surroundings in which we found ourselves became the star of the game.

Even the most single-minded golfer could not fail to be inspired by the sheer beauty that envelops every step taken through this spellbinding panorama.

Little wonder that Sir Nick Faldo described this dramatic landscape as “incomparable”.

As we adjourned to the 19th hole to arrange a return visit, we all agreed that maybe he did know a thing or two about golf courses after all.

Anne Marie McAleese is a broadcaster, writer and author who considers Fermanagh as one of her favourite places. You can listen to her every Saturday morning on BBC Radio Ulster’s, ‘Your Place and Mine’, 8am-9am.